Preventing Bullying

What Is Bullying?

Bullying is not always easy to define. Dan Olweus an expert in the prevention of bullying, says that bullying includes:

a) Deliberate hostility and aggression towards the victim

b) A victim who is weaker and less powerful than the bully or bullies

c) An outcome that is always painful and distressing for the victim

Bullying can be described as taking place when a child is the target of negative attention and actions. These actions can be far reaching and generally fit three major categories:

I. Intimidation such as:

Playing dirty tricks, defacing property or clothing, extortion, taking possessions, threatening to reveal personal information, verbal aggression such as name calling, dirty looks, taunting, teasing about clothing possessions or appearance, intimidating phone calls, verbal threats of violence or aggression against property or possessions, swearing, persistent teasing.

II. Social Alienation such as:

Gossiping or embarrassing another, setting a person up to look foolish, spreading rumours, ethnic slurs, publicly humiliating, excluding from the group.

III. Physical Aggression such as:

Spitting, hitting, shoving, pushing, kicking, defacing property, stealing, locking in or out of an area, violence against family or friends, threatening with a weapon, inflicting bodily harm, unwanted physical contact.

Persistent Bullying can result in the victim dealing with:
Depression, Low Self Esteem, Shyness, Poor Academic Achievement, Isolation, Attempted suicide

Unchecked and unreported, bullying also damages the bully who learns that he or she can get away with violence, aggression and threats. The bully comes to believe that this sort of behavior can get them what they want. When bullies carry on with these behaviors as adults they encounter all kinds of much more serious problems. KIDSCAPE conducted a survey of young offenders, which indicated that many had been bullies when in school. Research also indicates that adults, who were bullies as children have a higher likelihood of acquiring a criminal record, tend to be more aggressive, and have difficulty maintaining relationships. In short, children accused of bullying may need just as much help as those being bullied. Their behaviour may be an indication of hidden personal and social problems. Other children may be manipulating them or they may be being falsely accused.

Why Do Some People Bully?

People become bullies for a lot of different reasons.

• They have family problems.
• They are being bullied themselves.
• They are selfish or spoiled and always want to get their own way.
• They have no friends and feel lonely.
• They feel bad about themselves and want to make others feel bad too.
• They are taking out their own frustrations on others.
• They feel insecure and unimportant - bullying gives them power.
• They want to look "big" in front of others.
• They have been bullied into joining a bullying group and have gone along with things just to stay on the bully's good side.
• They don't care or understand how other people feel.

Whatever the cause bullying is usually a signal that the bully needs help

Bullies need victims. The bully will always be able to find something about a person to focus on: wearing glasses, having "too big ears", being in a wheelchair, being good at school, etc.
Bullies use differences as an excuse for their bad behavior, but it isn't the difference in the victim which causes the problem - it's the bullies who have the problem because they are: Afraid, Jealous, Envious, Cruel, Angry, Insecure, Unhappy

What to do if Your Child is the Bully

If you learn that your child is a bully:

• Try to stay calm
• Try not to become angry and defensive
• Ask exactly what your child has been doing
• Ask if they have behaved like this before.
• The more you can find out the easier it will be to work out why your child has been bullying and what can be done about it.

Helping The Bullying Child

See if he or she has any ideas about why they bully and what they think might help them stop.
Reassure your child that you still love them - it's their behavior that you don't like but you will work to help them change this.
Find out if there is something in particular which is bothering them and help sort it out.
Work out a way for your child to make amends for the bullying.
Set up some sort of reward for good behavior.
Set limits. Stop any show of aggression immediately and help your child find other non-aggressive ways of reacting.
If your child bullies when faced with certain situations, help them work out and practice other ways of behaving.
Explain that getting away from a situation where they can feel themselves losing their temper, or things getting out of hand, is not a weakness. It's a sensible way of making sure the situation doesn't get worse.
Teach your child the difference between assertive behavior and aggressive behavior.
Praise your child when they do things well. Create opportunities for them to shine.
Talk with school staff. Explain that your child is making an effort to change his/her behavior. Ask what ideas they have to help. It might be helpful to have your child speak with an educational psychologist. This can be arranged through the school resource teachers.
Talk to school staff about setting realistic behavior goals for your child.
If you feel the situation is serious enough contact Mental Health and arrange counseling sessions.
Keep an eye on your child's activities, whereabouts, and friends. Set clear and reasonable rules.
Parents can always help by controlling their own aggression and by making it clear to their children that violence at any time is unacceptable.

Helping Bullies Deal with Anger:

If temper is lost or the bully becomes violent and aggressive easily, he/she needs to practice controlling these feelings. It is not necessarily wrong to feel angry but it is wrong to take out this anger on others. Learning to recognize the signs that he/she is about to explode can help the bully work out what they will do next time they feel themselves losing their temper.

Get away from the situation or person that is making them angry. This is not running away. It is often the best way to keep them and others from getting hurt either through a fight, an argument, or name-calling.

Take several deep breaths and count to ten.

Exercise can help release anger...go for a run, play football, etc.
Practice simple relaxation techniques. Tense every muscle in the body and slowly relax each individual muscle starting with the toes.

Talking About Bullying

Bullying is certainly not a new thing. In the past it was often ignored or seen as just a part of life. In the last few years this way of thinking has changed and efforts are being made by parents and schools to help those involved in bullying situations. Talking about bullying can be a key that unlocks the door to many unhappy secrets. Adults who open this door must be prepared to deal with what they find. Perhaps the best advice is to trust your instincts- if you are worried discuss your worries openly and honestly with your child. As difficult as it may be, listen to them and consider that there are likely two sides to their stories. Your son or daughter may reveal some unpleasant facts about themselves. This is not a time to pass judgment or consider punishments. Instead take a hard look at the situation and counsel to the best of your ability.

Talking With Teachers

If someone in your family is being bullied or is bullying at school the best course of action is to talk to a teacher. Call and speak to the teacher on the phone and arrange a time to visit and discuss your concern. If the bullying is serious you may be upset when you speak with the teacher so here is a checklist of things to remember:

• Speak to the teacher as soon as possible. Explain or ask how long the bullying has been going on.
• Do not exaggerate. Be honest and stick to the facts, as you know them. Teachers and parents need to know how serious the bullying is if they are to make a judgment about the best course of action.
• Make a note about everything you know about the bullying before you speak to the teacher so you don't forget to mention any important points.
• Remember this might be the first time that the teacher has heard about the bullying and remember that your child may not have told you all of the facts.
• Remember that the teacher wants the best learning situation for every child in the classroom. The teacher is as concerned as you are about dealing effectively with bullying to help keep and create this atmosphere. Bullying can be solved if parents, teachers and pupils work together to find a solution.
• Request another time that you can check in with the teacher to see how things are going.
• If the situation has not been resolved or continues, contact the vice principal or principal and discuss your concerns.